Friday Five: How to Stop Worrying and Learn to Love the Scales

One of my loyal 50by60 readers (and not coincidentally, one of my favorite cousins!) confided last week that she’s developed a fear of getting back on the scales after the holidays.

scale lucy jpg

Well, Margaret, I’m here to help you — and anyone else who’s nervous about facing The Shocking Truth! (aka your post-holiday weight) — with five ways to make sure your scales give you the numbers you KNOW you deserve!

  1. Before getting on the scales, make SURE you cross yourself, say three Hail Mary’s and apologize to Our Lord for sullying His birthday season with your atrocious overeating!
    prayer
  2. Repeat after me: “it’s water weight! it’s just water weight!” and subtract 10 pounds from whatever the stupid numbers say!
    water
  3. Be sure to stand on the correct part of the scales! Even a millimeter off center can create a margin of error of up to 20 pounds!
    liar
  4. VERY important: did you remove ALL your clothes? And the weight’s still too high? Well, keep stripping down — anything other than what God graced you with at birth has gotta go!
    scales.jpg
  5. And if none of those ideas works for you, here’s a thought —
    dwight
    Yeah, I know — really wacky and rad! But what the heck, it’s worth a shot, right? I mean, seriously, if all else fails, why not try counting your calories every day for a week, and THEN looking at the scales? You just might be surprised!

As I’m hoping *I* will be, come Monday’s weigh-in! Will I finally get back into the (1)70’s? We’ll find out — together!

66fd183725cbbd1bdad0ce31f46e7079b0682ae5d22c03085fee91966861b1ac

Meanwhile, have a great weekend!

Friday Five: My 5 rules for the gym, in no particular order

Well, howdy and happy Friday, everyone! This has been a different week, exercise-wise. Mostly, because the weather was a little cooler (i.e., 80s and 90s instead of 90s and 100s!), I walked every day, and enjoyed it, for the most part (although the last 50 yards are always the hardest!).

walk.jpg

Still, I did make it to the gym yesterday — 24 Hour Fitness this time, rather than Anytime Fitness Chatsworth, because — well, pool! I keep telling them at Anytime Fitness, put in a Slip ‘N Slide, but for some reason, they won’t. Insurance reasons, prob’ly.

slip.jpg

Anyway, while I was floating in the beautiful blue sparkling water, flicking away the bugs and other debris, I came up with my Five Simple Rules for Enjoying the Gym, in no particular order:

  1. People in the sauna tend to sweat, a lot. Every gym I’ve been to with a sauna seems to attract a lot of men with hairy chests and gold chains, going back and forth between the sauna and the hot tub. Back and forth…dripping with sweat and trailing chest hairs wherever they go. Trust me, when you see people in the sauna, skip the hot tub and just take a hot bath when you get home.
    sauna.jpg
  2. In my experience, the only people who take a close, personal interest in the details of your workout are (a) trainers who want to upsell you an expensive training package, and (b) perverts who want to show you their package. Either way, Nancy Reagan was right: Just say no!
    squats
  3. If you pick up a set of weights from the free weight rack, and you realize as you’re picking them up that you miscalculated and they’re too heavy, but you’re embarrassed to put them back because there are really genuine-looking, grunting weightlifters watching you — well, don’t worry about it. They’re not watching you. They’re watching themselves in the mirror behind you. Just set your weights back on the rack, quietly, and tiptoe away.
    mirror.jpg
  4. No one cares whether you actually exercise at the gym or not. Once you’ve checked in at the front desk, you’re on your own. You can spend an hour sweating like a maniac or you can catch up on some zzz’s. It’s your call.
    comfy.jpg
  5. If you think no one’s peed in that beautiful blue sparkling pool, you’re swimming in a fool’s paradise.
    pool.jpg

Hopefully these rules will save you some troubles when you hit the gym today. Or you could, y’know, just take a walk.

cheap

That’s it — enjoy your weekend! See ya Monday for the Weigh-In!

Saturday Snippet: just because…

Well, hey, everyone! If you were waiting on pins and needles for Friday’s post, I apologize. However, I had a VERY good reason:

forgot.jpg

Actually, I didn’t forget as much as I just couldn’t think of anything to say. Plus, I went to a really purty place where I spent the day in quiet meditation ‘n stuff.

no hunting.jpg

St. Andrew’s Abbey, Valyermo, CA

So anyway, sorry if you were disappointed, but better late than never, right? Anyway, hope your weekend’s going well! See you Monday for the weigh-in!

weekend.jpg

The “Saturday Some” — a new thing, kinda sorta

If you’re a regular follower of this blog, you may have wondered what happened to my regular “Friday Five” post.

uh.jpg

Yeah … well, the long answer is, “It was sunny and bright, so I decided to go out for a long drive to a wonderful place I haven’t visited for quite a while,” and the short answer is, “I got lazy,” so feel free to take your pick.

Anyway, in lieu of the “Friday Five,” let me offer the very first “Saturday Some,” which is basically just a bunch of stuff I’m rambling about, off the top of my head. Plus memes! Lots and lots of memes!

memes.jpg

Anyway, I’ve been doing a lot more walking lately, and really enjoying it, too. Now that the weather’s getting nice and hot, though, I may have to go back to the gym and hop back on the treadmill. Which doesn’t particularly bother me. As I’ve said before, I do enjoy the video treadmills at Anytime Fitness (AF).

However, it does bother me in the sense that, given a choice, I’d MUCH rather do my walking outdoors. There are so many great places to walk in Southern California (yes, people actually DO walk in L.A.!) that I hate to give that up.

But once the temps start climbing up above, oh, 85 or so, it’s either the treadmill or the pool. And I do love me that 24 Hour Fitness pool, too, as you may recall!

image10

Still, it’ll probably be the AF treadmill more often than the pool, mainly because it’s much closer to home, and also right next door to a Ralphs. Which means I can do a couple of miles on the treadmill, then trundle over to the grocery store and do ANOTHER half-mile (I measured it!) in the store.

(And get cat treats, of course. That’s the main reason humans go to the store, according to certain purrsons.)

cat.jpg

Where was I? Oh, yeah, walking! And walking, although it probably doesn’t burn anywhere near as many calories as, say, kickboxing or weightlifting, if you do it every day … or every other day … or at least on a fairly regular basis, you’ll burn a few calories. Even if you can only walk around the block a couple of times, that’s some quality exercise there, my friend.

block.jpg

More importantly, you’ll relax and enjoy life a little bit more. There’s just something about seeing the world at two or three miles an hour that makes everything else seem oh, so right. Except maybe your knees, if you have arthritis. Which I do. And I have to admit, my knees do get a bit sore the day after a really long, satisfying walk.

knee.jpg

Still, it’s the price I pay for staying in such fabulous shape! And we’ll find out how that translates into actual weight loss on Monday. Hope you’ll join me then! Meanwhile, have a GRRRREAT rest of your weekend!

(unused WordPress Daily Prompt: all of them! read here if you’re interested in some kinda “inside baseball” stuff!)

 

 

 

Rhymin’ Weekly Weigh-In: Lazy Monday edition!

OK, OK, I know you’re in a big rush to find out what my weight is this morning. I get it. Everyone’s in a big rush this morning.

Our cat, Princess, is extremely impatient (and with good reason!) because her servant-human (aka my husband) had the colossal nerve to sleep a few extra minutes and thus deprive her of her morning shower. (Why yes, we give our cats showers. Doesn’t everyone?)

catshower.jpg

Anyway, you can untwist your panties now, Aunt Tilly, ’cause here we go!

200.0
scales

rick.jpg

So, STILL not “Milestone Monday,” but with any luck, it’ll happen … NEXT week!

Meanwhile, relax, and remember:

don27t_take_alcoholic_drinks_on_mondays_poster

A different kind of Friday post

Well, it took me a little longer than usual to haul my a$$ out of bed this morning, so I’m temporarily abandoning the “Friday Five” format. Just for today, how’s about I tell you what my week has been like?

So far, so good. My weight is still hovering around the 200 mark, in spite of the fact that I’ve been indulging in all those yummy goodies that were forbidden during Lent. Some more so than others (Frigo Cheese Heads Light String Cheese, I’m lookin’ at YOU!). But overall, I’m keeping the calories more or less under control!

However, I regret to report that I’ve been temporarily sidelined from my favorite exercise, walking, for a while, due to a sore bunion and a meddlesome bone spur. But never fear! Did you know that taking a hot bath can burn as many calories as a leisurely walk? (Especially if you use the right soap!)

obesity_soap

And it was on Fox News, so you know it HAS to be true!

So anyway — between the long, leisurely, calorie-burning baths, and an increase in the number of weekly visits to the gym (which I still hate, but can tolerate), I figure I can hold my own till the Amazon drone drops my my new, comfy shoes onto the roof sometime next week.

the_ladies27_home_journal_28194829_281478636047329

Meanwhile, I’m heading out today to enjoy the sunshine! Hope your weekend is a good ‘un. See you Monday for the weigh-in!

Friday Five: More Lame Excuses

Welp, another Friday, another round of finding reasons not to write my blog post today. Still, I gotta write SOMETHING, if only to keep all my rich foreign investors happy. So here goes, my five lame excuses for putting off my blog today!

  1. The weather. Most of the week, it’s been pouring down rain out here in beautiful, sunny Southern California. This morning, the clouds are receding and the sun is shining. So how in the world am I supposed to write anything??
  2. My health. For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been coughing and hacking and wheezing my way through my annual Bout O’Bronchitis. This morning, I’m still coughing a bit, but I feel a little better. So how in the world am I supposed to write anything??
  3. The stock market. I currently own eight stocks, and several of them went down this week. They’re starting to go back up now. But honestly, given all that volatility, how in the world am I supposed to write anything??
  4. Family problems. After months of blissful ignorance (whether willful or accidental, I can’t say), a couple of my blood relatives actually managed to stumble across this very blog you’re reading right now. Given that, how in the world am I supposed to write anything??
  5. Fear of commitment. Earlier this week, I signed up for a free basic membership in an online writing class, where I made a commitment to write at least one blog post this week, on a day OTHER than Monday or Friday, that was completely free of memes and images. I completely failed to do that. Given that failure, how in the world am I supposed to write anything??

So, as you can see, I’ve got some pretty plausible reasons for not writing a “Friday Five” this week! Still, as Homer Simpson once opined, “Hope springs internal!”, so perhaps NEXT week, we’ll get back to normal.

1024px-simpsons_tv_icon-svg

By Stannered [GFDL (http://www.gnu.org/copyleft/fdl.html) or CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/)], via Wikimedia Commons

(But then again, given the fact that I DID actually make it through this post with only one image — EXACTLY as promised in item #5 — how in the world am I supposed to write anything ELSE??)

Friday Five: Mucinex edition

Sorry to post this so late in the day, folks. Frankly, I was wondering if I was going to be able to write anything at all. I’m still struggling with this cold/allergy/bronchitis or whatever.

sneeze

The main thing I’m dealing with now is … well, here are some titles I debated using/parodying for my post title, which might give you a clue:

  1. How Green Was My Valley
    green kleenex
  2. Soylent Green
    soylent.jpg
  3. Green Eggs and Ham
    greeneggs.jpg
  4. The Green Mile
    greenmile.jpg
  5. Fried Green Tomatoes
    greentomatoes.jpg

I think you get the idea! (And hey, add a little chicken broth to those tomatoes, and I’m all over ’em!)

chicken.jpg

Anyway, it’s been a rough week, but I’m getting better. And on the bright side, being sick like this means my appetite hasn’t been that great, so I should have a FANTASTIC weigh-in on Monday! See you then – and please, try to stay healthy yourself – there’s a lot of crap going around!

oprah.jpg

Friday Five: Surprise, there isn’t one!

Yikes! Well, even though I was up with the crack of dawn this morning, I’m embarrassed to say I don’t actually have anything useful or interesting to say at all. (And for those of you saying, “Yeah? What else is new?” I say,

rasp

So let me just tell you what’s going on. See, tomorrow morning, my wonderful husband and I are getting up super early in the morning, driving down to Union Station in L.A., and climbing aboard a really interesting, historic, private rail car called the “Vista Dome Silver Splendor,” for what they call “Brunch on the Beach” in San Diego.

vista.jpg

It’s our belated Valentine’s Day celebration, and we’re really looking forward to it. Only the thing is … I can’t stress this too strongly … we have to get up SUPER EARLY tomorrow morning. So this morning was a “practice run.” Let’s just say this is the first time since I gave up caffeine that I’m kinda sorta missing caffeine!

coffee.jpg

So I’ve made a major life decision: Tomorrow morning, when we get on the train, I’m going to allow myself ONE cup of REGULAR coffee. Just one! After that, I’ll go decaf for the rest of the way!

catnip

Seriously, though, this is in the nature of a “special treat” type thing. There’s no caffeine in the house right now, and I’m not planning to buy any to bring home with me. I just think it’ll make the day more Valentine’s Day-ish if I don’t fall asleep for the entire trip.

snooze

Anyway, long story short, the reason I don’t have a Friday Five today is because, frankly, even though I’m the one who’s usually the “morning person” around here, today my husband put me to shame by getting out of bed, taking his shower, getting dressed, and going to work an hour earlier than usual. Not to mention feeding the cats! Or did he? Maybe I woke up in one of those alternate universes in “Rick and Morty” or something.

rick

Who knows? Anyway, I’m gonna sign off now, go brew a cup of my herbal coffee substitute, and see if anything happens.

Have a great weekend – see you Monday!

(Unused pingback: Rube)

Friday Five: Way too many cat memes

Welp, good morning, all, and happy Friday, for those of you who actually work for a living!

You know, I got up this morning and briefly considered getting a few things done before I wrote my post. Then I realized that if I did all of them, I probably wouldn’t write this till around, oh, I dunno, midnight. So I decided to simplify my life and just get this done first.

I’m sure you’ll appreciate the effort it took me to postpone:

  1. Making breakfast. Actually, making breakfast is the easiest part of my day. My hubby rarely wants anything more substantial than a Trader Joe’s cereal bar and a glass of water. Occasionally I’ll surprise him with some bacon and eggs (mainly when I want some too), but for the most part, breakfast is easy to postpone.
    2abec96f689d7f27bc4cef1079d34be0-funny-grumpy-cat-memes-grumpy-kitty

  2. Cat maintenance. This one includes feeding them, letting them out the back door, letting them back in (we have a cat flap, but they like that personal service), checking the litter boxes, checking the treat stations, flea combing, catnip application, peacock feather waving, and other miscellaneous attentions as required. I’ve done a couple of them already (I have to, or they’ll beat me up), but at the moment they’re sleeping off the catnip, so I’ve got a little window of time.
    awesome7

  3. Shoe shopping. Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you? Normally I buy my shoes, clothes, books, and other necessities of life online, as you do. However, I was looking at some Skechers “Go Walk” shoes on Amazon last night, and they looked really comfy. However, I realized from bitter experience that I probably should buy at least one pair in (shudder) an actual store, just to make sure they’re as comfy as they look in the photos. I’ve been burned before. (Literally as well as figuratively – I’m not that handy around the stove.)
    266214ed08e5cfe2f70839a5d7bfec58--shoes-on-sale-shoe-sale

  4. Laundry. I’m actually pretty much caught up on the actual human being laundry. This goes back to #2, because most of the laundry I need to do now involves the various things the cats sleep, shed, sneeze, and deposit their various and sundry bodily fluids on. Every piece of clothing I own, if it were sentient, should tremble in the fearful knowledge that it could wind up as a cat bed. Fortunately, clothing isn’t sentient, although who knows? It’s a funny ol’ world.
    433f1b7cc38a248392dd08b882d61ccf-cat-love-i-take

  5. Transcribing. Heh … yeah, this is my ACTUAL WORK that I am theoretically supposed to be doing when I’m home, to make money. You know, money really helps vis-a-vis cat stuff, shoes, and future cat beds aka clothing. I suppose I could ask Purina or Friskies (are they even different companies? who knows these days) if they’d throw me some free cat treats in exchange for mentioning them in my wildly popular blog, but that’s probably not gonna happen any time soon. (If it does, I’ll let you know.)
    cat-blogger

So once I’ve finished writing this post, and applying all the appropriate memes and formatting, I guess I’ll pick one of these things to get done. Probably breakfast, ’cause I’m hungry.

Unless, of course, the cats wake up first.

388