Who cares if it’s still 2020? It’s PUMPKIN SPICE TIME, y’all!

Sorry to it’s report it’s still (checks watch) 2020, but in spite of the fact that yeah, it’s STILL 2020 (c’mon, Father Time, what ARE you thinking??), that doesn’t negate the fact that everyone’s favorite time of year is here, and that time, of course, is PUMPKIN SPICE TIME YAYYY!!

Sure, it’s still over 100 degrees, and sure, it’s, um, still 2020 … but ya know, everything seems just a little bit brighter when that unmistakable odor drifts through your face mask and into your nostrils, doesn’t it?

And even though I’m (yay!) down a whole pound this week —

197.4

I’m pretty sure it’ll fluctuate right back up a little in the next week or so, because y’know …

So you know what? The H-E-DOUBLE-TOOTHPICKS with 2020, my friends! Break out the pumpkin spice, sprinkle a whole bunch of cinnamon around the house, and rev up your engines, ’cause yeah … it may still be 2020 …

but all those yummy, gorgeous, tasty, stinky

holidays are right around the corner! And this year ESPECIALLY, we really need ’em, don’t we? So give yourself permission to relax a little bit over the next few weeks. Sure, we’ll probably wind up gaining even more poundage than we already have in this, the Year of Our Lord 20–

— 20, but so be it! Plenty of time to lose it NEXT year, right? I mean, assuming there IS a next year, and we’re not just stuck in some horrible time loop where, on December 31, 2020, the clock strikes midnight and then rolls right back around to January 1, 2020. That’s not what’s happening, is it? IS IT??

Well … probably not! But y’know, I don’t know about you, but until that wonderful moment, I’m not gonna take anything for granted. And I AM going to have that Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks, even if it IS 12,000 calories!

Okay, okay … it’s not THAT bad, right? Anyway, I lost a pound this week, and pumpkin spice is all around us, so ENJOY! and I’ll see you next week!

What’s up, WordPress? Back for another banger!

Good morning, everyone! For those who are a little puzzled about the title, I’ve been watching a LOT of the adorable “Twinsthenewtrend” videos on YouTube this week, and that’s how they start out every video. Check ’em out! Fair warning, though, start one, and you’ll look up and wonder where that hour and a half went! For example:

Oh yeah! I’m listening while I’m blogging! Anyway, let’s get to the weigh-in, shall we? It’s not too shabby:

197.4

Yeah, back down 0.6 of a pound, and down is always good!

So, in spite of the fact that it’s still 2020, and everything’s still kind of fluid right now …

… not to mention, all the fires and, oh yeah, that pesky virus …

I’m just gonna keep counting my calories, drinking lots of water …

and of course, walking, outdoors if possible, indoors if necessary!

And I still have an active prayer life, in spite of what certain members of the patriarchy (you know who you are!) might think.

So maybe if I just keep doing all the right things, the scale will move, 2020 will (eventually) be over, and things will get better!

Well, maybe not THAT much better! I’m a realist! But we’ll do our best, won’t we? Meantime, keep chuggin’ the water and countin’ the calories, and I’ll see you next week!

Just a flesh wound!

Yeah, it’s a teensy little gain:

198.0

But it could have been worse! Last week, in case you didn’t notice, I took the week off and did one of my legendary “road trips” to beautiful Phoenix, Arizona, where it only got up to about 122 degrees Fahrenheit at, um, 9:00 AM. So not too bad, for September.

And I spent a little quality time visiting relatives (at a relatively safe social distance, masks on) …

… as well as vegging in my luxurious hotel room watching “30 Rock” …

… and feeling guiltily glad that the fitness center was closed due to the pandemic. I mean, I never actually USED it, but it was always there, in case I felt the urge.

Heh … yeah, that meme is funny! But you know what? An outdoor gym might not be a bad idea! Although you might want to wait for all the fires to go out before hopping onto Nature’s Treadmill.

Yeah, that’s a shame. It’s really making the air quality suckalicious, too. So maybe it’s a good idea to stay inside, for multiple reasons — perhaps for the rest of the year!

Anyway, stay safe, do the best you can re: diet and exercise, and we’ll meet right back here next week!

Whoa baby — I’ve actually got a loss!

Well, happy Wednesday, fiends and nabobs! How’s everyone doing this oh-so-fine morning?

Well, good to hear, Mr. Lumberjack! I’m doing pretty okay myself, given that I have a nice big weight LOSS to report this week!

Aw come on, David, this is a good thing, trust me! Anyway, ready for the weight loss?

Yes sir (or ma’am — as I’m sure You know, I’m exploring the Divine Feminine right now, so I’d hate to misgender you before I get to my…

Okay, okay! Ready? Here it is!

197.6

Yes, down a whopping ONE POINT FOUR POUNDERINOS since last week!

And I owe it all to calorie counting a̶n̶d̶ ̶e̶x̶e̶r̶c̶i̶s̶e̶.  Yeah, obviously NOT exercise because (a) my gyms are closed and (b) it’s a little hot outside!

So it’s been all down to calorie counting ONLY. But guess what — that actually still works!

Yeah, well, we’re not all as highly educated as you, Napoleon, so suck it up, buttercup! Anyway, I’m happy about it, especially since I’m going on a road trip next week, so I’ll need a good running start (metaphorically speaking) to deal with all the fast food temptations I’ll be encountering along the way!

I won’t be able to do a weigh-in, but I’ll at least do *some* kind of post next Wednesday, just to let you know how it’s going (and to keep me honest)!

Hey, it’s worth a shot! So one way or another, I’ll see you next week!

It’s fine to say it sucks!!

Good morning, everyone! Well, in spite of the title of this post, I’m happy to say my weigh-in doesn’t suck (at least it’s down a skoche!):

199.4

Whew, back a teensy beensy bit from that over-200-pounds-eek-eek-eek cliff!

I won’t breathe (or eat) easy till I get back under 195, but I hereby vow that I WILL accomplish that goal by the end of this month! Slow and steady wins the race, right?

Still, it really sucks that I can’t just go to my gym and hop on the treadmill for half an hour or so, or lift weights.

And it also sucks that I can’t go to the library and kill an hour reading the newspaper and magazines (like the old fogey I am).

And it REALLY sucks that I can’t spend a pleasant day driving from one favorite used bookstore to another.

What also sucks is that if I dare to say in public that any of these things suck, I run the risk of somebody chiming in, “Yeah! And they shouldn’t be allowed to close all those places! And you shouldn’t have to wear a mask at Costco! It’s all a hoax!”

Then there’s the other possible extreme, which I admit I’ve been guilty of as well — scolding the people who complain by insisting that they acknowledge what a horrific disease coronavirus is and the reasonableness of the shutdowns. “What? You hate wearing a mask? You must be one of those anti-maskers who wants everyone to DIE!”

And here’s the truth: I’m one of those people in the “mushy middle” who I’m betting makes up the majority of people right now. We hate the shutdowns and we hate the face masks, while at the same time we TOTALLY understand and agree with the reasoning behind them!

So why is it that we can’t just express our opinions without being lumped in with the extremist thought police on BOTH sides? And yeah, I know there’s some danger in “bothsidesism.”

I mean, I’m part of the Byzantine Catholic Church, which has been playing both sides of the Catholic-vs.-Orthodox divide for a few years now!

So honestly, I don’t really know what the solution is. Maybe just exercise a little kindness and compassion towards everyone you meet? I know that’s a long shot, but isn’t it kinda sorta what those of us who consider ourselves followers of that Jesus guy in some way, shape, or form are supposed to be doing?

I dunno, I’m not sure I’m articulating this very well. Maybe I should just go have breakfast and think it over. Or maybe you could tell me what you think, in that oh-so-seldom-used “Comments” section right below! Whaddya think?

Meanwhile, have a great week — and remember, even though it definitely sucks, wear the mask!

Ooh, so close (but not in a good way) plus a “geezer” joke!

Happy Wednesday, everyone! First, the bad news — let’s get this over with QUICK, shall we?

199.8

Eek! That’s wayyy too close to the dreaded 200 for comfort! Still, I’m not going to let it get me down because:

  1. All my clothes still fit,
  2. I can still go out on walks and hikes without any problem, and
  3. It’s just a number! And having worked for an accounting firm (two, actually!), I know that numbers can definitely be tweaked!

So there you go, it’s close, but there’s still a little wiggle room!

Anyway, let me just lighten the mood with what I swear is a TRUE STORY.

No, it really is! Yesterday I was hanging up some clothes on my clothesline (something I actually enjoy, since I don’t HAVE to do it!), when suddenly a very persistent bee started crawling around on one of the damp washclothes I had just hung up. And, swear to God/dess, I heard myself saying:

So I guess that makes me a — beezer?

Heh — okay, that’s it! Enjoy your week, and let’s see if we can tweak those numbers by next week, shall we?

Never thought I’d say this!

Well, after yet ANOTHER week of NOT doing the kind of exercises that I used to do, and weighing in at — let’s see here:

198.6

… I’m realizing that, in spite of all the times I’ve grumped and complained and basically Karen’d about various problems at lo, the many gyms I’ve belonged to over the years … I [leans closer; whispers] kinda MISS ’em!

Yeah, it’s true! Maybe just the act of going to a gym, changing clothes and going into an area full of exercise machines makes you … I dunno … more likely to exercise?

I mean, I do love the walking and the hiking and even the occasional (if I can describe what I do as) running, but let’s face it — sometimes, when the temperature rises to a brisk 110 degrees, here in the beautiful San Fernando Valley, a gal needs her air-conditioned, video-screened treadmill!

Can’t be helped, though — as you may recall, I quit not one but TWO gyms during the past year — Anytime Fitness and the YMCA — opting to stick with my beloved 24 Hour Fitness in Simi Valley. Which — guess what? is now closed!!

The one with the pool??

No, not the one with the pool! That one’s still open, but the pool and the hot tub — the ONLY reasons I ever went to that one — are definitely NOT available for use for the foreseeable future. No, it’s the other one — the smaller one, with the equipment that I actually USED from time to time!

Well, coffee won’t open the gym, but it won’t hurt! So sure, pour me another cup of covfefe, and let’s can close this week’s post with everyone’s favorite artiste, Weird Al, singing a truck drivin’ song. See you next week!

Eureka, I’ve Got it! The Anti-Karen Solution??

So while I was growling over the weight GAIN this morning,

197.4

I tried to console myself by watching some of the new “Karen” videos that have bombarded my Facebook feed lately. Karen after Karen after Karen (female AND male), screaming in grocery stores, upscale fashion stores, and pretty much everywhere, all about how the Evil Government canNOT make them wear masks, and masks force them to breathe their own icky breath for way too long, and etc. ad nauseum!

And also reading about how in all those places where the Evil Government is NOT making them wear a mask, the equally Evil Virus is returning and the curve, which was sort of flattening — you know, like my weight was sort of dropping, until my gym closed down and life as we know it all kinda came to a screeching halt?



And I suddenly had a GREAT idea! Why not harness the power, energy, and all that pent-up Karen rage, and use it to our advantage?



First of all, if you’re one of the Karens going around yelling “Democratic PIGS!” and screaming that all the Democratic governors are forcing them to wear masks, please leave the blog for a few minutes. Okay? Thanks!



(looks around) are they gone? Great! Here’s the idea — and please feel free to pass this on to your Evil Democratic governator:

Make it ILLEGAL to go out in public WITH a face mask!!

Take a moment to mull it over, and you’ll see the absolute brilliance of this idea!

Karens in every Democratic-governored state will scream in anger:

You can’t take away my mask! You Democratic PIGS!!

and

I’ll give you my face mask when you pry it from my cold, dead FACE!!

MAGA 4EVER!! masks, manufactured by Trump Industries (basically, Karen personified) will proliferate everywhere,  and the economy will come roaring back!

Meanwhile, all of us (you and me, the ones who didn’t leave the room) will know it’s all a ploy to keep us safe from Hurricane Karen!

I’m sure there are some bugs in the idea, but I don’t have time to figure them out. Feel free to give me your thoughts in the comments!

See you next week!

Confessions of a Karen

Welp, the weight’s pretty much the same (you can see it in the sidebar if you really need to!), so I thought I’d just share a few thoughts I’ve had over the past few days. Thoughts about a person you may have heard a lot about lately. That’s right: KAREN!

By now, you’ve probably heard the term “Karen” applied to a certain type of woman, almost always white, giving in to what seems to HER to be “righteous anger,” but to everyone else, just sheer nuttiness at best, and outright racism at worst. (And btw, for those who think “Karen” is sexist, there are DEFINITELY male versions!)

So I’ve been watching those videos and reading first-person accounts of people who’ve survived close encounters with an angry Karen, such as birdwatcher Christian Cooper’s disturbing run-in with Amy Cooper, with a growing sense of unease, and finally realized today that the reason I feel so uncomfortable is that I’m seeing MYSELF in that Karen mirror!

I mean, I’ve never called 911 on anyone, but I’ve definitely gotten angry with people for (just as an example) parking in “my” space in front of our house.

I mean, you know, it’s not actually *marked* in any way, shape or form as my space, and (true confession!) I myself have parked in front of OTHER people’s houses. And yet, I still feel this sense of entitled rage bubbling up from inside. “How dare they take something that belongs to ME? or do something that *I* feel is incorrect? or [worst case Karen scenario] be somewhere that *I* don’t think they belong?”

Most of the time, I’ve managed to keep my inner Karen at bay, kinda like Good Janet facing off against Bad Janet.

And as I said, I’ve never called 911 on anyone — but I sure do realize now that there’ve been times when I *wanted* to, for all the WRONG reasons that those other Karens have done.

So, what now? Maybe Lucy was right, all those years ago:

Maybe the next step is to be more aware of situations where my inner “Bad Karen” might decide to make an appearance, and try to defuse them before they go any further than my own mind, perhaps by channeling GOOD Karen, you know, the one who sang all those pretty songs.

Or perhaps just walk away from the situation, reminding myself of what all Karens seem to forget: WE’RE NOT THE POLICE!

And (SPOILER ALERT!) if there’s one thing I learned from binge-watching “The Good Place,” it’s that even the worst of us can improve!

Even Bad Janet became Somewhat Better Janet, in the end.

 So it’s not impossible that “Karens” can improve as well, if we’re willing to take responsibility for our actions!

Well, if you won’t, I will! Anybody else? 

It’s gonna be a lot of work — and it’s not gonna be easy. But it needs to be done. Just like (circling back to the main topic of this blog!) I need to start working on my diet!

But we’ll worry about that NEXT week. Meantime, take care of yourself and those you care about/for!

A Sternly Worded Letter to my Bathroom Scales

Dear Scales:

You have been weighed in the scales, and found wanting!

This morning you told me I weighed

198.0

And I don’t understand why! I’ve been going for walks, counting my calories (well … kinda …) and also, I’m a really good person! So I don’t understand why you’re punishing me like this!

Oh! Well, sorry, then, Lord*! But I admit, I’m getting a little frustrated! And not to knock Science and everything, but y’know, I really need to find someone (else) to blame for this, because I’m getting dangerously close to my own personal Point of No Return!

Which, if you haven’t been paying attention to my mutterings as I stand on you* every morning, is 200 pounderinos! And you’re bringing me WAY too close to that number, Scales — like a Covidiot ignoring social distancing rules!

And yes I KNOW I haven’t been writing down ALL my calories, every day, and yes I KNOW I haven’t been doing any kind of meaningful workouts for weeks, other than the occasional hikes!

So I’m giving you fair warning — NEXT week, you better show a WAY lower number. ‘Cause I’ve got a hammer, and I know how to use it!

Sincerely,

Your Owner and, therefore, for the purposes of this blog entry, your Boss!

* and Scales!
** Still talking to the Scales here — not you, the reader! Much less to the Lord! Standing on the Lord might be all well and good from a poetic, theological standpoint but realistically, S/he might not appreciate it. And as I always say re: these pesky theological matters: why take chances?