Oreos are vegan, and other reasons why veganism sucks as a weight-loss plan

Hey everyone! First of all, let’s get this out of the way (or “weigh,” if I may — hee hee!) —

200.6

Yeah, up a pound, down a pound — hey, just like British currency!

And in case anyone remembers, a few weeks ago I made the announcement that I’d gone vegan.

The thing is, though, I didn’t do it to lose weight, but more because of the ethical stuff, animals and whatnot.

Which is a good thing because as any HONEST vegan will tell you, ditching the meats and dairy and yummy delicious CHEESE mmm

does NOT automatically translate into “skinny bod 4 life OMG lol” as you might think from all the happy, healthy, super skinny vegan bloggers and YouTubers and TikTokkers and, you know, however you young whippersnappers are conveying your mis- and dis-information these days.

One of the reasons I really like THIS young vegan YouTuber, Rose, aka the Cheap Lazy Vegan, is she makes it clear that if you’re going vegan for any reason other than saving the animals and/or the environment, you’re probably not gonna do it for very long! You can definitely gain weight and get really, really unhealthy eating some of the super yummy vegan junk foods out there! (Check out her video, “My Unpopular Vegan Opinions” — she makes a lotta sense!)

And just to verify that, yes, going vegan CAN result in weight gain, let me share with you my newest vegan “guilty pleasure” — Vegan Rob’s Sorghum Cheddar Puffs!

They’re dairy-free, 100% vegan, taste JUST EXACTLY like “real” cheese puffs I’ve ever gorged on, and guess what? You can easily scarf down the entire bag at one sitting, they’re so good! And since each bag contains 3.5 servings, and one serving is 140 calories, that’s (hang on, let me grab my solar-powered calculator) …

— 490 calories per bag, which YES is certainly way less than a comparable bag of Taco Flavored Doritos (which I saw at the grocery store last week and had to exercise every ounce of willpower to resist, not only because of the calories and fat but ’cause they’re NOT vegan, sorry!), but can still screw up your daily calorie count!

Also, as every junk food junkie who’s ever gone vegan will testify, OREOS ARE VEGAN Y’ALL!! I won’t even try to tell you how many calories are in those because WHO CARES they’re OREOS!!

Fortunately, I found a grocery store that has little one-serving packages (140 calories!) of Oreos at the checkout counter, so I can indulge THAT temptation relatively safely, once or twice a week. (And NO I’m not telling you where it is! They’re mine, all MINE!)

Anyway, what I’m trying to say (and show, by continuing to post my weight even though it’s going in the wrong direction) is that I think going vegan is a wonderful thing for animals and for the planet we all share together. Just don’t go into it thinking it’s gonna make your fat magically disappear. And if anyone tells you it will, whatever you do, DON’T give ’em your credit card number!

Anyway, Lent, when many of the world’s Christians go, if not vegan, at least partially vegetarian, some of the time, is approaching like a roaring freight train, which in our Byzantine Catholic tradition starts on the Monday before Ash Wednesday, thereby giving us the moral advantage!

Although some of us do secretly envy you the whole ashes-on-the-forehead look!

Of course, my atheist friends chuckle at the whole thing, being that they’re morally superior to ALL of us God-fearing types!

But hey, that’s fine! We all need someone to feel morally superior to, right? That smug sense of self-righteousness is what makes the world go ’round, apparently!

Well, anyway, my early-morning burst of energy is dissipating rapidly.

So I’m off to have some fresh, hot cofveve! Hope you have a wonderful day, and remember, no matter what kind of food you’re eating these days, the calories DO count, so count ’em!

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